FromAFewDaysAgo
There is something strange and beautiful about the way people can be connected. The way you can climb into the shell of a person and ache because they are so distant, or the way you can hold a loved one experiencing their first heart break and begin to cry. I know that part of growing up and evolving as a person is going through the trials and the pain, but sometimes I wish I could take it on for the people I love so that they would never have to feel it. It would be like an in between dream for them, balancing on the light of waking up and the depths of being asleep, not really knowing what it was about or how it made you feel but knowing it was there at some point in time. I wish I could walk with my friends, my sisters, my family…every day…and tell them how beautiful they are or show them tiny things they might miss because they are too distracted. In a perfect world, teleportation would exist so I would never have to chose to be in one place, away from others, in another place, with others. But with out those choices, with out walking alone sometimes, I know we wouldn’t learn nearly as much. And sometimes those particular self-realizations. The ones that you can’t even predict, really, the ones that sneak up on you over a cup of coffee or while driving down i10, sometimes those are small moments with life changing ability. So how can you cope with watching someone you love be in pain? I remember being there, I remember being young and thinking I was in love. I remember the way it felt when they were gone from my life, like I couldn’t breathe sometimes, like I couldn’t run fast enough through my neighborhood, like a movie didn’t mean as much. I didn’t know how to tell her that it gets better. I didn’t know how to tell her that eventually, you aren’t heartbroken any more, and that instead you wake up and you are thankful. I didn’t know how to tell her that she would be okay. All I could do was hold her, speechless. All I could do was stand beside her as he walked out our door. And I wish, I wanted, I wanted to do so much more. I wanted to yell and kick and scream at all those dumb kids calling her names, at her boyfriend that couldn’t handle the pressure. I wanted to egg their houses with dinosaur eggs that would never stop stinking up their lives. But. That is not the answer, and dinosaurs do not exist any more. So, we ordered Chinese food instead. And got angry at the fortune cookies for not telling us what we wanted to hear. At the end of the day I waited for her breathing to even out in to a pattern that made me feel like she was at peace, at least for a little while. And I slept for a few hours, waking up too many times to make sure she was still okay. I couldn’t sleep any more, so now I’m here. With coffee. Hello.
